My review of Final Fantasy XIII.  With help.My review of Final Fantasy XIII. With help.

My review of Final Fantasy XIII. With help.

Well, after 5 years of longing and waiting, I have been chomping at the bit for the thirteenth installment of the Final Fantasy line.

I was devastated to watch this week’s Zero Punctuation, because HE STOLE MY THUNDER.

Go ahead, watch. I’ll wait. Really. Go on.

Ok. So here’s the deal. I’m at hour 32. I can’t do it. I cannot go on. Imagine the five hours he played in his review times more. I… don’t think I’ve ever disliked a game as much as this one. It’s not that it’s BAD per se, it’s just boring as freaking hell. And to boot, the Paradigm system is fun, but when you autofail the game when the lead character dies (no matter if the other two are still alive and kicking) and they introduce a bunch of monsters that can kill you in one attack… it becomes very much a chore.

The graphics are gorgeous. I hate/don’t care about all but maybe two characters, Snow (yes, he’s a surfer meathead but his heart seems to be in the right place) and Sazh (the afro-dude). Other than that, throw the lot of them off a cliff; ESPECIALLY Vanille. You have to understand; I’m *used* to characters like Vanille; it’s a stereotypical J-game character type; the peppy, happy go-getter. But OMGawd she’s just too over the top and as Yahtzee said; it’s like her responses aren’t even collated with what’s going on in the story at that point. Is it bad I want to see her writhing in pain on the ground, tears flowing from her eyes as I refuse that heal spell to her?

And this is probably my main complaint… the story has nothing to do with the rest of the game. I’m trying to skirt around spoilers, but let’s just say that one of the potential plot points involves one person potentially killing another on your team. THE PROBLEM IS HE’S THE HEALER ON YOUR TEAM. So, duh, there’s no way it’s going to happen. If it was, I dunno, HE’D JUST NOT HEAL YOU WHEN YOU NEEDED IT. and…story progression *now*. Oh wait, that’s not going to happen.

Other things like summons being there for a hell of a long time for story purposes, but then you just can’t use them like that really irk me. Not to mention that the summons are the most useless thing, EVER. They do little to no damage that you couldn’t do yourself.

Bonus points for scissoring women becoming a motorcycle. Crude, yes, but I didn’t come up with it!

Yes, that's exactly the look I gave the game, too.

Surprisingly, the thing Yahtzee DIDN’T mention in his review is that not only is it a linear tunnel you are constantly (and boringly) running down, it’s also the case that you are limited to two people in your party at any given point for most of the game. And you don’t even get to choose the two people. Seriously. I am currently on chapter 10 out of 11, and only just now can I have three people in my party. Too little, too late.

I don’t want to finish it. This was Square/Enix’s attempt at mixing up the gameplay. I think it’s fine to attempt to innovate, but this, in all honesty, should be considered a failed attempt. Time to fail forward, guys.

4/10 chocobos.